My Baby Loss Experience

You may or may not have seen that a few months ago I announced my return to work after taking some lovely (albeit totally sleep deprived) time off to look after my daughter Poppy in her first year of life.

Although I had every intention of getting back into the swing of things, life took a bit of an unexpected turn. You could say life has most definitely been life’ing!

A few days after returning to work we found out the incredible news that I was pregnant again! To say we were overjoyed is an understatement! I always thought I was going to have 2 children, so the news that our family of 3 would soon become a family of 4 filled my heart with so much joy.

For various reasons, the first trimester was (to put it mildly!) pretty brutal. The morning sickness was ALL consuming and even doing the simplest of tasks felt near on impossible. I had a constant feeling of guilt as I felt like was unable to be the mummy and partner that Poppy and Steve deserved and any energy I did have went to them, so the business got totally pushed aside.

Prior to having Poppy we had experienced multiple miscarriages so anxiety was also high. But I tried to focus on the fact that my body created Poppy and therefore had every potential to create this baby too.

Then we received the news that I never in a million years thought we’d receive…our baby boy had severe fetal abnormalities, and after long and painful conversations, we felt we had no choice but to make the absolutely heartbreaking decision to terminate the pregnancy.

And so on 31st January, I gave birth and said goodbye to our gorgeous little boy, James.

I don’t think anything could have mentally prepared me for the physical, mental and emotional pain that has followed.

I debated long and hard as to whether or not I should share our heartbreaking news but I think the topic of baby loss and miscarriage is still such an unspoken about subject.

The one thing that this has made me appreciate, is how bloody hard it is to create human life and how utterly lucky I am to have my little rainbow baby Poppy. I guess you could say that each and every one of us is a walking miracle.

If you are going through or have gone through similar experiences, I’m sending you an almighty hug!

Here’s to all the children we had, but never had, and yet will have forever.

Much love,

Hannah xx