Updated: Jun 21
Just over a week ago, I had one hell of a panic attack. It was a heart pounding, chest tightening, ears ringing, sweaty, snotty crying type of panic attack. It wasn't pretty. I'm in a new relationship with someone and it has been AMAZING. He has surprised me in so many ways with his open heartedness and he is definitely teaching me what it's like to be in a healthy relationship for which I will be forever grateful. This might seem weird to some people but the overload of positive and happy emotions that I was feeling overwhelmed me. It took me completely out of my comfort zone. I felt happy. I had a sudden realisation that I was giving my heart to a man that not only shows me kindness and empathy but also makes me feel incredibly secure in our relationship, which is something I haven't had in a very long time. I haven't had a panic attack like this in over a year and I believe it's because I stopped being scared or ashamed of my anxiety. If I felt it coming on I would welcome it, I'd become a conscious observer of what I was feeling and how my body was reacting and by doing this it would flow through me much quicker. However, the other day I slipped back into old ways, my perfectionism was back, and I found myself fearing anything that was less than perfect. I was scared that if he saw this part of me, he'd run a mile and so I tried to fight it which made it so much worse. But what I'm realising, and learning is perfection does not exist. We all have flaws, but that's what makes us unique, that's what gives us space to grow as a person. And you'll be glad to know that he didn't run a mile, quite the opposite in fact. So, a good lesson and example of how our fears are not always facts, they are just thoughts passing by. It's still early days in this new relationship, and who knows what the future will bring but for now I am enjoying riding the highs and lows of all the waves. BIG love!